The loss never gets smaller, life gets bigger

The loss never gets smaller, life gets bigger

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night or early in the morning with the deepest thoughts. They say to keep a pen and paper by your bed for times like that, to write down what you’re really thinking, because when you wake up with these philosophical thoughts you can know what’s really on your heart and mind. You get a rare peek into your soul. Your mind isn’t clouded with rational reasoning or caution.

So I write. I jot down things that make me too sad to speak out loud. I jot down those things that God and Shawn already know about.

Writing it out in such a secret way helps me deal with this ongoing season of grief that we’re in. It helps me to embrace the wave that’s coming right at me, regardless of how hard I try to fight it. It’s true that there’s no ‘final death’ to grieve, no ending when you’re walking through the heartache of  infertility and loss. You grieve on and off, over and over. You grieve when your closest friends and siblings have a baby, you grieve when your friends have the freedom to casually decide how many more kids they want to have, when you hold that newborn, when you see the years flying by and the loss from IVF, the loss of 6 embryos, still stings.

It’s an ongoing cycle, but as a wise woman recently told me, “The loss never gets smaller, but life gets bigger.” I really like that. I love the visual that the loss – and all that it entails – never shrinks with time. It never becomes “less”. Even if we don’t write about it as much, post about it, talk about it, or cry about it as much as we once did, it was a significant loss in our lives. There’s value in what we went through. We took a risk and we gave all we could give – our hearts, our money, our time, our dreams, physical pain, vulnerability, hopes – to have a baby. A baby of our own. And for reasons beyond our comprehension, things turned out as they did. And God is still good. Even when it hurts, even when we don’t understand, he is still good, he is still working on our behalf.

That loss will never get smaller, but with time, with God’s grace leading us, and a little laughter to cheer us up, life will get bigger.

The green circle symbolizes our loss(es). That will never change, never get smaller. But little by little, life will get bigger.
The green circle symbolizes our loss(es). That will never change, never get smaller. But little by little, life will get bigger.

And as we slowly inch closer to ‘life getting bigger’, I’ll write. I’ll jot down those deep, dark thoughts and hide them from the world. Only God and Shawn will know them. And sometimes, I’ll share a few thoughts here, with you.

Because you have something to grieve, too, don’t you?

 {A special thanks to Sharon Rosa for sharing this concept, and for being an encouragement to us both.}

3 thoughts on “The loss never gets smaller, life gets bigger

  1. Simply profound! God has clearly woven into your loss great wisdom and spiritual depth that others glimpse through your open heart and soul. Prayers of love and healing are sent your way.

  2. Yes, I do have something to grieve. Sadly, I have lost what I thought a “Christian” marriage should be. I have lost a husband. My 5 children have lost a father walking with God. I have lost and I grieve. I grieve for my childrens losses. Losses just take time. Time to heal. Praise to the God of the universe that HE AND HE ONLY IS THE HEALER OF HEARTS. The only answer to grief is TRUST AND THANKFULNESS. Life is just plain hard. But God could change our circumstances if He chose to. HE HAS CHOSEN EACH OF US IN OUR OWN LOSSES TO CARRY HIS GLORY. And I will continue to trust HIM while He continues to MAKE MY LIFE BIGGER EVERY DAY. ;)

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