The theme of 9/14/16’s journal entry was:
Moving forward. —–>
If you flip through my IVF (turned pregnancy!) journal, you’ll see a lot of that.
Prayers. These pages are full of prayers. Prayers asking for a miracle this time, prayers for strength to deal with the unknown, and for good quality eggs (things you’d never think to pray for until you needed to). Prayers that God would work through this process, that results would come back positive, and that God would protect us as we drove the four hours roundtrip from Cheyenne to Denver sometimes multiple times a week. There are prayers that God would hold us tight during times of anticipation and waiting. There are pages where the prayer was asking that God would somehow shape and mold us as we walked through this. On 9/17/16 the prayer was for supernatural patience and peace. This was what we needed as we waited to hear how many eggs fertilized after the egg retrieval surgery, and then as we waited to find out how many of those turned into embryos. A wait like that felt like it was beyond us. Beyond our power. On 10/8/16 the prayer was asking that we would somehow be able to always look back and say, “Our God was with us.”
On 9/17/16 the prayers was, “God, help us to praise you at every turn, during every long wait, when we’re anxious, and when we want to worry.”
On 11/1/16 the prayer was, “God, we continue to ask you to allow this embryo to freeze well, thaw properly, and implant. May it all line up with your perfect timing – even when the wait is hard for us.”
On 11/6/16, “…God, allow this miracle.”
On 11/14/16 the prayer was, “God, a million things could stress and worry me from now til transfer (assuming the FET frozen embryo transfer isn’t cancelled). Please help me accept your peace, and to wait, and to trust the results and protocol along the way. Lord, we ask you for a miracle baby.”
11/15/16’s theme was:
And one day closer!
11/22/16 “Jesus, hold our hearts and our dreams as we wait. Amen.”
On 11/24/16 the prayer was, “God, hold our hands and our anxious hearts. We don’t know what will happen next – but you do. Lead us.”
On the day of the transfer of our baby girl embryo I wrote this prayer, “God, it’s in your hands now. You’ve brought us THIS FAR. Continue to lead, open doors, hold our hearts, our emotions, our fears, and work a miracle in this situation. Amen.”
12/22/16 was the day we would find out if I was pregnant or not, after all these years, all these prayers, all these treatments. I wrote, “God, hold me so tight because I can’t do this on my own. I’m so nervous.” That was the theme of the day, along with the continued prayer for a miracle. The theme was also: waiting. hoping. anxious. curious. wondering. praying. watching the time. excited. on the edge of my seat. (Blog post coming soon on the events that unfolded on that beautiful day…)
I bought a journal with gold foil hearts on it. I wanted a journal where I would write it all out this time. I wanted to write about the fears, what the process was like, and how we were handling it all. It’s not always easy to talk about it when you’re going through it. Partly because people don’t ask, or know what to ask, and partly because it’s hard to explain what it’s really like. It’s hard to explain this emotional roller coaster where you’ve exhausted all resources trying to have a baby, which has led to doing IVF for the 4th and final time. You’re willing to invest everything you have to do it – financially, emotionally, and physically. It’s hard to communicate what it’s like to be in that place. That’s why I needed the journal. I wanted to write what I couldn’t say.
There’s a lot on these pages that only Shawn has seen. He was there, he gets it. It was our journey, side by side. And maybe one day it’s something we’ll let our daughter read through. She won’t ever have to question if she was wanted, but if she does, she can read through this IVF (turned pregnancy!) journal to know for sure that she was the one we prayed for.