Even though I’m still new at this gig, I’ve found that every day motherhood is a clash of realities, and a battle of the flesh. One minute I’m so blown away by the love I have for these girls that I could just sit on the kitchen floor and happy sob for the rest of my life. I look at the dimples on their little hands, I hear the unique rhythm in their laughter, I see Shawn slow dance with them, and I’m overwhelmed at the sheer joy of what is. I am overwhelmed that the dream came true, and that this is our life. Five-seven minutes later, I’m surprised by my own frustration and my impatience. My flesh is having to choose to keep my cool or respond the way that makes sense when someone smears peanut butter in their freshly Johnson & Johnson-ed hair and practices saying “NO”, whining, and rolling their eyes. Choosing to respond well, walk by the spirit, AND set an example for two girls that are future adults, can be mentally and physically exhausting when you’re only human. (Shawn loves to say, “Excuse me for being human. It’s a great ice breaker in many a’ situation.)
When there are days that stretch me, challenge me, make me doubt, and wonder if bedtime is near, I am reminded that miracles and hope are alive in this household. And that God is with me. Shawn and I are not alone in this feat of raising little girls, this clash of realities, or this battle of the flesh.
The other night at church we were all asked to silently say to God, “You are wonderful because _____ “. My instant response was, “Because you never fail us.” The response was so quick, so clear, and so real, that I knew that it didn’t come from me. It was like the spirit of God brushed past me ever so gently, whispering in my (sometimes-exhausted-still-a-new-mom, but-two-under-two-and-in-the-game) ear, that it almost made me cry. The goosebumps were a vivid reminder that I’m not alone, and that a faithful God is on my side, cheering for me, and giving me everything I need… if I just look to him, and stop striving in my own efforts.
Through it all – infertility, loss, heartache, adjustment, doubt, fear, failure to love like we want to, learning the hard way, God is with us. He’s there to offer comfort when needed. He’s there to offer wisdom when needed. He’s there to offer guidance when needed. He’s there to offer grace, so that we can offer grace.
And THAT is what makes motherhood, and long days with these two beautiful girls all the more lovely. Because it’s not all up to me. It’s me walking with a wonderful, powerful, live, active, real God who has never once failed.
And ps- God’s also wonderful for giving us these two girls. We asked and we asked, and he responded. How faithful he is.