Needles up, grace upon grace

Needles up, grace upon grace

It’s weird and hard, so hard, to be back in this fight for a baby. Babies! It’s weird and it’s hard because this time around we have our home, arms, and our cups full with two toddlers! We’re answering a million questions a day, teaching and training and reading and playing and picking up toys and crumbs, and what are we thinking adding two to the mix???! My mind plays tricks on me and I begin to doubt if this is what I want. I begin to question if this is possible. Not just the pregnancy, not just the morning sickness, not just the “too big to move”, not just the growing pain, not just the breastfeeding trials and tribs, not just the birth and recovery, not just the postpartum of it all, the pain, not just the up all nights, and the raising of little souls, but the FIGHT TO GET THERE. We have these two embryos that have been long prayed for. Tonight at 8:30 Shawn will come home from work and give me shot 1 for this Frozen Embryo Transfer cycle. Shot 1 of many because they will continue every day, sometimes 2 or 3 a day for awhile for me. It’s hard to stay in the game, to have the courage needed when you’re worn out from all day of teaching little ones how to say “p-p-p-please”, and how to share and take turns, and we don’t put that in the toilet. I feel like I’m gearing up for battle, but my mind is weary and I need a nap before I even get started. My sister asked me not too long ago if I wanted this, and if now was the right time. (It was one of those questions I needed asking, but only a sister could really ask.) It made me stop and think. YES. I want this. WE want this. THIS is what we prayed for. Back in 2016 when we had lost and lost and decided to get up and give IVF “one more try”, Noella and these two are part of that story. So, YES I want this. We prayed for these two. They are clear and tangible and living beings that are answers to long ago prayers. Yes we’re in a new season now, with two at home. Two varieties of miracles. And YES this is the right time. Because it’s now or never when you have two babies waiting to join the family. But in this new season, this being my first fertility treatment as a mom, I have to give myself grace upon grace to realize that this is really hard! This is different. It’s ok to semi-spaz at what’s to come because I know some of the challenges that may be. But I also want to fight well through this treatment and remember that this opportunity is one we prayed for from way back. And God is a gracious giver of good gifts. Even if there’s some pain and some struggle along the way. Maybe behind the pain and struggle is a gift we can’t yet see. One that makes us rely on him like we never have before…

Needles up!

The best things are worth fighting for.

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