The wave of both grief and joy

The wave of both grief and joy

The grief of losing twins
The grief of losing two at once
The grief of knowing we lost a son
The grief of knowing we lost a daughter
The grief of lost family dreams
The grief of having planned and saved and gone through the whole process of transferring our two remaining embryos
The grief of knowing everything was perfect: levels, and numbers, and check-ups, and labs, until for no reason, things weren’t perfect
The grief of remaining bruises on my belly from so many shots
The grief of unused shots and medicines sitting on the laundry room shelf
The grief of watching Noella in her sweet innocence question when my belly will get big, and asking how many babies we have in there now, and why babies are with Jesus
The grief of suddenly not being pregnant anymore
The grief of cramps in place of little twinges
The encouragement of a hot bowl of gumbo from a neighbor on our first cold day
The love of praying friends, some who can relate, and some who pray anyway and love just the same
The joy of being with our girls: one an IVF miracle, and one a natural miracle, and thanking God for them
The joy of flowers delivered to our door from church staff
The thoughtfulness of cards and chocolate covered strawberries sent to our home
The laughter that still sneaks in, even when you’re sad and questioning
The journey of all of this with someone you love, and someone who also happens to bring you peanut M&Ms
The peace of knowing we did all we could do, before God, to bring these embryo babies into our family
The peace of knowing that it’s okay and normal for grief to take however long it takes, but to know that when we know God, there’s always more to the story (even if we can’t see or understand it)
The joy of roses from a friend
The joy of seeing community care for us
The peace of remembering that the loss doesn’t get smaller, but that life gets bigger (see old blog post), and how God has brought us through hard times before
The peace of knowing God has a plan, even when it doesn’t make sense to us at the time
The joy of remembering that our God is close to the brokenhearted, listening, and catching every tear to show us one day down the road that we cried, and that He’s redeemed it all

Flowers, cards, and food! Friends, family, and community have been such a blessing to us.

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