Some closure in the what ifs

Some closure in the what ifs

It was kind of weird that some closure came from a ‘me and Shawn on the couch after the girls were in bed’ budget meeting. He mentioned that a big chunk of money went somewhere else this past year, and we both knew he meant FET and the whole process that comes with it. I was quiet for a minute, letting the pain and discomfort sink in of knowing that we had saved and planned and paid and still (for reasons only known by their Creator), lost the babies we were looking forward to holding and knowing. I was sad, he was too, that things didn’t turn out like we hoped, that the boy / girl twins that we had anticipated for so long didn’t grow past eight weeks. But we were determined to have them, and we did all we could to get them from the freezer as frozen embryos into my uterus, and we did. From there, we had to try and give the unknowns to God. And we did. I’ve said it so many times through this grieving process, but it’s true, that a big part of the loss is from knowing they were there for four years. Those were years where we’d try to imagine when and how they’d fit into our family. They were years of trying to save for the transfer and our appointments and travels to Denver. But looking over all of it, even way back to the first meeting with our doctor when we were considering IVF for a fourth time, God was our very-present Provider. He found the best clinic for us, after our return from Africa, He aligned our hearts to both be ready to gear up for another fight towards baby (babies: 1 turned out to be Noella, and two were the twins we lost in October), He provided the money for the actual IVF treatment, and later the money for the transfer, and by His grace, allowed us to get back on our feet to become debt free. We have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars (none, not one penny, covered by insurance; and this is the norm for infertility patients) and God was the one providing all along the way. He provided the money for treatments, the transfer, the medicine (one shot alone was $900!), He provided friendships once we opened up about the struggle and the lonely place we were in for so long. He provided an insight into how struggle can soften us if we let it, showing us the true compassion of our God. He showed us how to be brave when we wanted to fear- what if the transfer fails? What if we lose the baby/babies? What if the medicine doesn’t work? What if Covid shuts down our plans to move forward? What if there’s not enough money? What if we can’t pay off our bills? What if? What if? What if we trust these unknowns to a God who knows, who doesn’t just know but has crafted a beautiful ending that might look differently than we thought? What if we don’t have all the answers, and that’s okay? What if we look back over the whole process with gratitude for Noella, and in the middle of the wait, an extraordinary surprise in the form of Shilo? What if we rest knowing we did our part to bring these embryos to life, if even for a few weeks, because they were there, frozen, waiting for us, and our responsibility. Even if the shots and the waiting and the expense and the travel and the transfer and the loss weren’t always easy? What if we were given that mountain, one of loving, hoping, losing, grieving, and even gratitude and courage, to climb up and see things from a unique vantagepoint: that God was there, He’s still here, always providing and caring for us along the way.

What if we trust these unknowns to a God who knows, who doesn’t just know but has crafted a beautiful ending that might look differently than we thought?

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