Sometimes you just need your husband to get in your face and remind you with a stern tone and a loud voice that:
“OUR GOD IS NOT FICKLE!”
Let me back up.
I was just feeling down. Discouraged. And worse: believing lies.
It was a day of feeling caught back up in grief (we don’t move on, we move forward…and I was just not moving anywhere).
Why did God take our babies? Why did we lose our boy / girl twins? I was circling back around to questions we had already asked ourselves. Questions we’d asked in the past with other losses. Questions we didn’t have answers to and ones we gave over to God. But the questions were back. Why did that happen to us? What’s His plan? Does He have a purpose? Did He not think I could handle it? Was I not a good enough mom to take on two more? I was sobbing as I said these shameful lies out loud.
Shawn was intimidating as he said very clearly that those were lies, and that God does not work that way. He doesn’t just give and take for fun. He is not fickle. He is not mean. What lies are we believing about God? What lies are changing the way we live our lives?
The conversation circled around and around, the good but really hard kind, and Shawn kept asking me if I trusted God. I’d bring up a fear, a thought, a concern, a worry about our unknown future or pain from grief, and he’d ask, “Yes, but do you trust Him?” He kept asking that same question over and over as I tried to trip him up with a valid-to-me point or a seemingly good question. “Yes, but do you trust God?” He’d ask. “Yes, but can God be trusted?” He’d ask. It was the tough conversation I needed to set my mind back on God, and trusting Him even when we don’t understand.
Sometimes things turn out differently than we thought they would. Sometimes things feel unfair. Sometimes there’s hurt, grief, sadness, confusion. Sometimes we question God’s plan.
But in all of it, He is not fickle. He is not mean. He is good, and YES, He can be trusted.