Not everyone gets a baby. For a long time, that was me. The lady not getting a baby. I had to try and wrap my mind around the unfairness of it all. Why them? Why her? Why not us? Were our prayers being heard? I knew they were. But that didn’t make the wait any easier. I knew my tears and pleas weren’t going unnoticed. But that didn’t make it any easier. God’s silence was real. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t there. That didn’t mean he didn’t see, know, care, and work continually behind the scenes on our behalf.
Would God still be good if he never, ever gave us a baby? Of course we were hit hard with that question over the years. It was one we handled often through four IVF treatments, and losses, and years of not knowing the outcome. The answer was yes. God would still be good if he never, ever gave us a baby. Our earthly view and our circumstances never change his goodness and his character. Man, that was a tough one to wrestle with.
I felt a form of survivor’s guilt when my belly started to grow with Noella. I wanted to scream everywhere we went, “I waited TWELVE YEARS for this. We worked hard for this! It took about 1500 needles to get us to this point! This didn’t come easy! Etc.” just in case there was someone like (former) me, looking with sad, semi-judgmental eyes thinking, “Well that must be nice.” And to be honest, I really wasn’t (always) so harsh with pregnant women, because deep down inside I still hoped to be in their shoes one day, so I was usually happy for them. But when it was a stranger, I just assumed it was a quick and easy dream come true for them.
Another form of survivor’s guilt was knowing my prayers were (finally) being answered in the way we wanted, but what about those who weren’t seeing that come to pass, and may not ever see that come to pass? I spent a lot of time feeling sad for them. I would wonder if they had the capacity to trust God, to keep trusting God, even when the window to a baby was closed. Could I have kept trusting God? Would I have kept trusting God? Would anyone care for them, and be sensitive to their situation?
When we were in the middle of this infertility battle, there was no end in sight. All roads led to no baby, so my mind had to live with the heavy realization that there was probably not going to be a baby. But then there was! And then there was another one on the way! In my state of happiness, I couldn’t dwell on their suffering. But I kind of felt pulled to. It was a weird place to be, leaving that place, the ability to relate, and moving over to the side where you get to hold your own baby, or wear the daily physical sign that one is growing right this minute. I had to let my faith be my own right where I was, and let God handle their hearts, their situation, their devastation, just as he did for us, when we were in the thick of it.
I’m so thankful that for whatever reason, God saw fit to give us a baby (babies!!). We thank him often. We also thank him that he didn’t forget about us during the times when it felt like we were all alone, and when it was me sitting there wondering if I’ll be the woman who would never get a baby. Man, those emotions are still so real to me and hopefully they always will be. Because in remembering how that felt, I can both appreciate where I am now even more, and I can love the woman who wonders how her story will end. Let me just remind you of this, my friend, if you trust a faithful God, the story will have a really, really good ending.