Things I wanted

Things I wanted

I wanted to feel that flicker of life in my belly.
When other pains came into my life, I dreamt of a pain that would result in new life. I could handle anything, I thought, if pain had a reward at the end.
I ached to see the growth, and see it on the screen in a blurry black and grey image.
I wanted to watch his face as I felt pain on behalf of us, and our future.
I wanted to know what it felt like to be hours, or even moments away from a rush of emotion and joy and blood and tears, as new life entered the world.
I wanted to hold that fragile little being and know that they were ours.
I wanted to see what my body was capable of.
I wanted to watch him bring me a can of Dermoplast and a large hazelnut latte because he’s cool like that.
I wanted to see the pride on his face.
I wanted to experience his tenderness in helping me get up to walk for the first time.
I wanted to hold my breath as he held our baby for the first, and for the 200th time.
I wanted to feed my baby skin to skin.
I wanted to know chaos in the form of an 18-month-old asking 200 times in a row for a drink of water, while the other decides to make the ‘witching hour’ a nightly tradition.
I wanted him to watch me become a mom, not just sit by me (as sweet as that was in its own way) as we grieved the babies that weren’t.
These were things I wanted so desperately for so long. And because God is so kind and so good, these are all things I’ve experienced. Twice now.

I wanted him to hold my hand

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