Four times that I remember PLEAD-praying are when we were about to attempt IVF take four (the IVF cycle that brought us Noella and the two remaining frozen embryos we’re about to transfer this fall), when Shilo was sick in the hospital, fighting for her little life, when I thought our plane was going down, and when Shawn was traveling back at night in the dark, after the mandatory curfew, in rebel controlled West Africa.
I needed, I wanted, I NEEDED to see God work, to move, to act fast. I didn’t make room in the conversation to listen. I didn’t make room to hear what He might have to say, or what lesson He might have for me. I just wanted to know that He was hearing me.
I saw His goodness when it was all said and done, I saw is His power, I saw answered prayer, and that answer was yes.
Seeing that brought me to trust Him more. But this time around, in the waiting line for babies #3 and 4, the prayer is a little bit different. This time, it’s less urgent. When you’ve tried and failed three times and your heart has been ripped apart over the disease of infertility, you plead-pray when you decide to risk it all one more time (money, physical pain, the unknown) – and try again for the fourth time. You beg God to allow it to work. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still an unmistakable desire that has stayed with us since fall 2016 for them to join our family. That’s how long we’ve known about them. This time, while there are still a lot of prayers bouncing around in our hearts and minds, every single day, there’s less pleading. But there’s a sense of peace that is recognizably all God. Maybe it’s because we’ve seen how God works no matter how urgent the prayers are. Maybe it’s because little by little, God is showing us that he is in control, no matter how we pray. No matter how our words come at Him. Maybe, after all these years, we’re coming to see God’s goodness is good because it’s what he allows. It’s what He deems just right for us, big picture, according to His will and His plan for our lives.
Gosh, that doesn’t make it easy. Trusting “what is, or what may be” as good, because you trust that God is good, is not for the faint of heart.
Some days, sitting in this ‘waiting line’ for a fall 2020 transfer (it’s not here yet, but it’s coming), already beginning some medication, and booking my July trip out to Denver for a gamut of tests and a day’s workup, I can get anxious, worrisome, curious what the outcome will be. This isn’t just a thing in our lives where we’re curious about how it will turn out – this is our family, this is MAYBE TWINS!!! So yea, I can get anxious, especially as we get closer, to want to plead-pray my way to the day we find out the results of this procedure. I want to plead-pray my way to instant, positive results. I want to plead-pray my way to two heartbeats. I want to plead-pray my way through the wait and the ups and downs of FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). But I am also seeing, in time, when I take my hands off the controllers, I remember that it’s ALL GOOD, because God is there, involved, writing the story.
Stay tuned, and feel free to pray. God listens, no matter how we come at Him.