From the beginning of this whole journey: the process leading up to the transfer, the trips, the shots, the transfer itself, we wanted to share it all because it was a journey of faith for us. Not every unknown journey is a journey of faith, we have to choose it. And we wanted this one specifically to be one of faith. We didn’t expect to come to a point of having to (once again) choose faith in loss. We didn’t expect to (once again) have to choose faith in grief. That to me, is where the rubber meets the road. It’s hard to trust God in the unknown, but it’s harder yet to trust God when the ‘known’ is a failed pregnancy (as it was called). How does one walk in faith when you lose two babies in one week? How does one turn time and time again, to a good, loving, faithful God, when their physical body and their heart are aching in grief?
We simply do not know. Just like we simply do not know, nor can anyone explain, why we lost both babies: a son and a daughter. I guess faith is saying, “This hurts. We don’t want to go through this. But we know you’re still good, God. Make something of this mess, this sadness, this confusion, these tears. Here’s the pen. My hands are shaking from crying and I can’t hold it right now.”